I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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