Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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