1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
