just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
