I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
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