haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
