EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
