my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
