just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize