she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
