elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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