She is in my trunk
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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