So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
