A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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