I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My cat gives me a boner
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
