I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
