you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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