I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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