I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
