So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
