took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
