dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
