When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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