Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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