i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
