chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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