All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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