You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
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the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
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why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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