This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
