Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
