Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
