I accidentally had phone sex last night
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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