Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
