hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
