Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
