Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
