Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
