the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
