if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
