There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
