Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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