5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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