Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
