people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
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Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
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I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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