Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
