my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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