youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
