two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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