So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
