Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There's always time for handjobs
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
