We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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