I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
