theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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