I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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